Wednesday, May 10, 2006

A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF OUR TWO HEROES’ VEHICULAR ADVENTURES ACROSS FIVE STATES (or, the pros and cons of Ohio)

Ohio Farmland

So, hopefully, by the time you read this, Becca and I will be safely ensconced in the Bruner family residence in Oak Park, IL, just west of Chicago. We got there (we really hope we got there) after leaving Princeton at 9.15 AM and enduring a grueling at-least-14-hour-day spent almost entirely on I-80.

Our schedule went something like this:
9.15: leave Princeton
10.15: get on I-80
11.15: still on I-80
12.15: still on I-80.
1.30: I-80 merges with I-90. Continue to follow I-80.
3.30: begin secretly to resent I-80
5.30: begin to plan to secretly leave I-80 for a more fulfilling relationship with another expressway.
…9.14 PM: Still on I-80.

At this point, we’re somewhere in western Ohio (on what is euphemistically known as the “James B. Shockney Turnpike,” perhaps the most bombastic name for an expressway EVER) treading down the miles between us and Indiana.


Behind us there are numerous fearsome obstacles: New Jersey; New Jersey’s drivers; the state of Pennsylvania (sorry, Gary and Abby, it’s a BEAST to drive through); geographical ignorance (Becca: we’re driving through Ohio?); the Rutherford B. Hays presidential museum (I didn’t get to stop….AGAIN); and not least, Ohio state troopers.

Do you know why I pulled you over today?

Yes, folks, we got our inaugural ticket tonight in Ohio: Becca got nabbed doing 79 in a 65. I’m not going to disclose how much this unfortunate occurance will cost young Ms. Sanders, but let’s just say it rhymes with ‘ninety-one dollars.’ But “Manhattan” Sanders took it with her usual unflappable personality (she did pop a few Sour Patch Kids, but that’s it). She didn’t even break down and cry for her Grammy, like the last time I did when I got a ticket.

Right now the betting pool has us arriving at Mom and Dad’s place between midnight and one and then collapsing into a gelatinous heap on the floor. No, wait. We’ll collapse into our beds, where we (meaning “I”) will presumably sleep until 10 or 11 tomorrow. Tomorrow, thank heaven, hold nothing more formidable than farting around all day and then going out to dinner with the assembled Bruners. God willing, we’ll wind down tomorrow watching a goofy movie in the basement and drinking beers (she says “Son in Law,” I say “Dodgeball”).

Highlights: playing Tetris with our possessions and successfully squeezing it into my Civic; our first (and overly-delayed) 20-oz. cup of coffee at 9 AM; crossing the Delaware Water Gap; rocking out to both “Great Adventure” by Stephen Curtis Chapman and “School’s Out” by Alice Cooper (both part of a sublime mix Becca made); gorgeous farm country in Pennsylvania and Ohio, illuminated by a setting sun and clouds; a pick-up pulling a trailer holding an enormous sign that said “PALM READING, $5”; being done with school.

Prayers: No more allergies/migraines for Becca; plenty of sleep & relaxation in Chicago. Thanksgiving for getting us home safe.

Question for Readers: If an Ohio State Trooper pulls you over and says (as he did to Becca), “Do you know why I pulled you over?”, what would be the WORST answer you could give?

Want to see more pictures? Go here.

4 Comments:

Blogger The Professor said...

Probably something like, "I dunno? Is it because I don't have a license? Or is it because of the body in the trunk...crap! Officer, I swear I haven't done any drugs for at LEAST three hours. Yeah, all that white powder is just...um, sugar."

7:37 AM  
Blogger Camassia said...

Well, if you want someone who's really made the acquaintance of the I-80, my mother used to drive it from Michagan to its far end on the Pacific every summer. In her little compact Mazda with no air conditioning. Clearly, she is made of sterner stuff than I am.

7:47 AM  
Blogger visco said...

"Oh, was it because you saw the dunkin' donuts bumper sticker and were hoping against all reason that I might be a well-stocked sales representative en-route? Or was it that you actually yielded to the pathetic delusion that I might give you my number...?"

8:08 AM  
Blogger Dan Morehead said...

Sweet Jesus! A post! Reminds me of last summer.

11:53 AM  

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